Part two: My Outer body experience

Have you ever experienced something, but didn’t really feel like you were there to experience it? Okay, let me break that down. have you ever been through something and then when trying to recall the details, you get the feeling that you weren’t even there, you don not remember details clearly, or it seems fuzzy like a dream? That was my life for nearly a decade. I was a mother, a wife, a college student, employee, and friend. But a lot of those days are a blur. When I tried to recall that time of my life, a lot of it escaped my memory. I had buried the trauma so far down inside, it was a struggle to get to it to heal.

Photo by Alex Green on

Everyday of my life, was spent arguing. I was defending myself for simply existing. It is very strange to think back now about all of the things my ex husband would essentially pick on me for. I mean, even my name, Victoria, was “boring” compared to other women’s names. And that was a daily issue, as well. I was compared daily to the mother of his other children, to other women he had been with before, or just to someone he said was somehow and someway better than me. But, he stayed. he stayed with me to complain about me all day and have sex with me at night. There was no love between us. We were two broken individuals that found some sort of sadistic connection in our shared brokenness, and so neither one of us would let go. We would fight the days, months, years, away.

I still, to this day, do not know why he married me, other than the fact that I had a son by him. Because he never protected me, never showed me affection, never bought me a birthday gift or took me out for a birthday dinner. He never got me a valentine’s day gift except for the two times I asked him for one and he went to Safeway on the actual day and bought me a card and candy one year, and a card and six inch teddy bear another, scribbled “love….” in it, and handed it to me begrudgingly. Every birthday came and went and no gifts, no party, no dinner, nothing. Another day of life. Then again, why would he celebrate me? I had a very awful marriage, one that almost cost me my life. I remember being picked up off the ground by his hands around my throat, pinned up against the wall. I remember being dragged by my car and lying to people that it was a hit and run. I remember the many times he locked me out of the house, turned my cell phone off, left me and the kids without access to a dollar, and yet, I always took him back, or always went back to him.

Photo by Alex Green on

And then one Sunday morning, I was done. I literally snapped. It was like someone had poured cold water on my face and jolted me awake. I woke up, and I said,” I’m out!” I left and never looked back. For 15 months after that, my ex husband tried to get me back. He tried everything! He told me that he was getting his military G.I Bill and buying a big house and everyone would get their own rooms and we would have a big back yard, as if I did not move out and leave him. he hacked into my phone records, called a male friend of mine from back home in Washington state, and harassed him, he tried to talk badly about me to this man but he would not allow it and told my ex-husband how foolish he was calling to bad mouth me. He would buy me stuff and ask me out on dates. Things we would never do while we were married, he suddenly wanted to do. He tried to apologize and tell me how he is sorry for not appreciating me and not honoring me. He told me what he should have done and what he knows he did wrong. Then finally, after almost a year and a half, my ex husband found the number of the man I was dating. That is what did it. That is when he flipped from wanting to get back with me, to I am the worse woman in the world again.

And that is what we are back to. I try to avoid contact with him at all costs, but every now and then he will find an excuse to contact me. he has not changed. But, I have. he does not get to me like he used to. Instead, I feel nothing but pity for him. He is so lost inside himself, so enabled, so immature, that he does not even choose to look inwardly and make any changes. I cannot say the same for myself. I was determined to live differently, to live better. I was tired of the same unhealthy and abusive relationship cycles that ended with me being pregnant and unhappy. I did not want to be unhappy any longer. I did not want any more children.

Photo by Alex Green on

So, I started the self-work. The consequences of my choices up to that point is what led me to the place I was. But it was not the final destination. It was just a stop along my journey. I have had to get serious and intentional about my life, my choices, and the company I keep. And it started as a tough battle. I went from seeing the good in everyone, to seeing no good in anyone! I mean, completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I closed myself off to new friends or intimate relationships because I was afraid of making the same bad choices. I had not done enough work. I still do not feel like I have. The tests have come in many different forms and I am sure that I have not done enough self-work. And I am happy about that. Because I am awake, aware, I know where I am and can evaluate. clearly that I have more work to do on this self-care and self-love journey before I am ready to open myself up again. But, honey! When I do, it will be the most profound, beautiful, magical love ever!

Stay tuned to read more about how I survived the struggles, and how I am thriving through the struggles, now.

Categories: El-Oh-Vee-EeTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. Love you so much!!!πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

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