Grief is an evil bitch!


If that’s too harsh for you, I won’t apologize. Grief sucks. And she’s selfish. And inconsiderate. And oh, so evil. That’s how I feel. The grief I’m experiencing right now is so heavy it physically hurts. My oldest sister, my beautiful, sweet sister, passed away unexpectedly April 15th and losing her caused a pain I don’t want. A pain I can’t escape. A pain deeper than any I’ve ever known.

Simone Aisha, my dear sweet sister, I know you are resting in eternal peace and love. I miss you.

“They” say there are seven stages of grief: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and acceptance and hope. “They” don’t say which order they’ll impose in or how long they’ll hover and hold you. And if you’ve ever experienced grief, you know you can’t pick the order in which the stages of grief decide to dump themselves on you. Grief sucks. I miss my sister and I want her back. I want more time with her. I feel like I was cheated out of time with such a beautiful soul and I am angry about it. I feel terrible for my mom. I can’t imagine what she feels. To birth, raise, and then have to bury a child is something unimaginable, unless you go through it yourself. Yes, losing any loved one is painful. But to lose a child is, I imagine, and indescribable pain. My mom is so strong and spiritually sound, she is “dealing” with Simone’s passing. But I wonder if she really is. I’m not inside her head or heart. I don’t know the thoughts and feelings she wrestles with. I just thank God that she knows Him. I thank God I can be a witness to His strength through her.

I still want my sister back, though. She had a stroke last year after giving birth to a most handsome chocolate brown baby boy. She fought to relearn her name, how to walk and talk, and she thrived as one of the most awesome and attentive mothers ever. But, God took her back last month and that loss hit different. Each and every moment seems to be a struggle. At first. I didn’t understand why she had to die. Then I realized God’s will isn’t always understood. It’s just perfect. Sometimes, I feel guilty smiling with her son. I feel guilty smiling at all. Guilt is weird. It doesn’t make sense. Sometimes, I feel awful and paralyzed. Other times, I’m reminded of things my sister told me, and I am encouraged to fight through.

My sister Simone and I, 2013

All the time, I miss my sister. All the time I think about how I can be the best auntie to her son, my only nephew. All the time, I think about making her proud, and so, I’m fighting through. Simone would want me to. She needs me to. And so I will. I will keep fighting to get up each day and push through the pain. I will keep fighting for my dreams. And I will fight to be a better sister to my brother and other three living sisters. I will fight to be a better person, a more kindhearted person, a more genuine person, like my sister, Simone Aisha Thomas Laners.

This is part one of my four part series about grief, in which I’m sharing some of the things that grief is teaching me, some of the ways my knowledge and expertise in self-care is helping me to cope, in hopes of helping someone else.

Stay tuned for part two. And feel free to leave a comment.

Categories: El-Oh-Vee-Ee, LifestyleTags: , , , , , , , , , ,

18 comments

  1. I thank God for you! Sharing and talking about Simone helps so much!! I love you so much!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 🙇🏾‍♂️🙇🏾‍♂️🙇🏾‍♂️🙇🏾‍♂️

    Liked by 1 person

      • What an amazing testimonial of your experience with grieving the loss of your Sister, whom I had the absolute pleasure of knowing and sharing some great times and I have wonderful memories of her. I too am suffering the loss of my Sister. I am not the same, I am not complete anymore. Stay encouraged and I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. You have truly inspired me to talk about my experience with grieving and hopefully I can bless someone the way you have blessed me with your testimony.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks, Lashara. To know Simone was to love her and anyone that knew her is suffering from this loss. Thank you for your words. Hugs to you, too.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you Victoria fo writing and sharing this. Simone is very loved, she is one of my first friends I wasn’t related to, her heart so pure of love to everyone, her laugh and her smile lite up a room, always gave such warm genuine long hugs. I am looking forward to part two. Your family is in my heart and prayers always and forever~ “Jenny from the block” (she would always yell that out when she saw me)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There is no “right” way to grieve. In fact, after passage..all we really have are our thoughts and feelings. I commend you for sharing such intimate thoughts with us. I am hurting for all of you. To know that we won’t get to hear such a beautiful voice anymore hits me hard. We won’t hear her infectious laugh anymore. I wish it were different and my heart breaks for your family each day. One thing is for sure. She is loved and will truly be missed.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Man i feel this so Much with the passing of my own child. This hit so hard me knowing Simone for as many years as i did i pray for her family every day because she was such a beautiful soul while here on this earth she touched so many lives. My dear friends im so sorry for yall Lost love yall.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear Victoria & Family,
    I can only imagine your grief! Praise God for your testimony during this time of loss…my heart is heavy. God is good. Love you ❤️ Rhonda Ivie ( Fell)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What beautiful honest words there wouldn’t be so much pain if there wasn’t so much incredible love. The grief I feel not growing up with parents or a family was so tough but to lose someone you love and never having the opportunity to love or see them is a pain that is unimaginable. Your faith in god is so strong May god bless you and your family with love and comfort in your time of need sending love from our family to yours ❤️🙏

    Liked by 1 person

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