Grief: Selfish vs. selfless (part two)

There are no rules for grief. There are no boundaries to where it will take your mind, to where it will take your heart. Grief sucks!! But, just as I am forced to deal with this tragic and horrific pain, I am also forced to deal with myself. Grief is weird like that. It makes you look at yourself and aim to figure out how the person you loss, felt about you. Did they like you? Perhaps, like with me, the person you lost was a loved one, a sibling. And yes there’s love there. Of course. But love and like are two separate and very different things. I know my sister Simone loved me and I also know that, at times, she didn’t like me. But, there have been times I didn’t like myself so that is perfectly understandable. I’m grateful that my sister loved me.

My sister, Simone, on a Washington state ferry

Grief is selfish like that; making you think of yourself in the midst of a tragedy. Grief is blinding like that. Grief can make you think you’re helping when you’re actually causing more pain. And that in itself sucks! Some people may feel like they should not talk about their lost loved one and they feel like they should not express the hurt and grief that comes with losing them because it may cause someone else to break down or it may cause someone else to cry. Other people may feel like it’s very important and necessary to talk about the loved one that they’ve lost, and it’s important to openly express their emotions and hurt in order to help process and heal. Is it selfish to think the latter? Is it selfish to think either?

Is it selfish to openly cry and moan and grieve, when that may cause someone else to start crying and moaning and openly expressing their grief, too? Is it selfish not to hold in your feelings and tears? Is it helpful, healthy?

Or, is it selfless? Is it completely thinking of someone else and their feelings to cry when you feel the need to cry, to moan when you need to moan, to scream if you need to scream, so that they’ll feel comfortable doing the same and the healing and dealing process can take place?

And then, we have to ask, is it selfish to hold in our feelings in order to keep someone else from crying? Is it selfish to hold in our tears and emotional outpourings so that someone else isn’t triggered and breaks down, too?

The last visit with Simone. March 2021. My first time seeing her beautiful face since having my nephew.

Grief. Is. Evil. And selfish. And selfless. And crazy. Grief takes you from not caring if your tears trigger anyone or everyone because you have to cry! Your sister is gone and you are outraged, you are sorry, you are hurting, and you want to break things, and scream, and curse, and cry. Then, grief takes you to feeling like it’s important to keep your feelings inside because the hurt someone else is feeling doesn’t need to be emphasized or highlighted by your crying bouts. Ugh, grief!

So what do you do? What do you do when you feel overcome and paralyzed with grief? You cry. You scream. You journal. You clean. You run. You pray. You cry again. You sleep. You eat. You don’t eat. You clean more. You do nothing. You do a lot. You do whatever you can to face each moment of each day. You keep pressing on. You lean on your loved ones. You cry with and for your loved ones. You weep, you moan. And, you push. Push through each moment until the moments make more and more sense. You push forward until time has movement again. You do what you can when you can. I encourage anyone that’s suffering a loss to allow yourself to feel the pain of it! Don’t surprise it and think you’ll “deal”. Some things, some losses, hit different. And you don’t learn to move on. But instead, you learn how to press on.

Press on, okay? Press on.

Categories: El-Oh-Vee-Ee, LifestyleTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. 💜💜💜🥰😢


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