To say “sorry” in response to something said, done, or not said or done, is a way of expressing despair or pity. This is why many people encourage the use of, “I apologize”instead of “sorry”. “I apologize” expresses remorse and the need for correction without saying you’re in despair or pitiful.
Well, I am sorry. Very very very very sorry. I am in definite despair and I don’t need or want an apology! I want my sister back. I feel pitiful. I feel stuck. More stuck than ever before. I feel displaced. I feel traumatized. I feel sorrow. I feel sadness. I feel angry. I feel impatient. I feel! I feel so many things.
This past Saturday night, I received the horrible news that a friend of mine was gunned down and murdered. It hit me very hard and it is devastating! When we met six years ago, he talked about wanting to get out of the streets and wanting to change his life, but not knowing how to. He talked often about how he knew people were plotting on him, he knew people wanted him dead. And now, he’s dead. It’s awful! And I’m so sorry. Sorry for his children. They adored him and he was very active in their lives. I’m sorry for his mother and father. They now have to bury their child. They feel pain like my mom and dad, the pain of losing a child. And for that, I’m extremely sorry. Rest In Peace and Love, Harold.
Last week, my mom, three sisters, a family friend, and I started a book club. The first book we’re reading is about grief. It’s called “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” by Megan Devine. It’s proving to have some very helpful information in it about processing grief. And I’m glad we are all in a space to start dealing with our grief together. I believe this is what we need to do; Learn about grief together. Talk about grief together. I am so sorry for the loss of my sister. I’m sorry for the pain and devastation that losing her has caused. I. Am. Sorry.
And, I apologize. To my sister Simone, I apologize and I am sorry for not being a better sister to you. I am sorry I didn’t deal with my daddy issues sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t know how much you were struggling towards the end. I apologize for not being more attentive and present in your life after your stroke. I’m sorry you went through what you went through. I’m sorry if you felt alone, or too proud, or flawed. You were such an excellent example of the kind of woman, sister, and friend that everyone should aim to be. You were nothing short of exceptionally great! My dear, sweet sister Simone, I am sorry and I love you.
Sorry cuts it because this is a time of despair. Sorry cuts it because Simone was an amazing, humble, smart, peaceable, beautiful soul and I am sorry to have lost her. I thank God so much for the time he allowed us with Simone. She is a priceless and most precious gift and blessing that will never ever be forgotten.
And although, I am sorry, I can’t stay there. My sister Simone wouldn’t want me to. My mom doesn’t want me to. My sister Catherine, she’s been so helpful throughout this and she doesn’t want me to. My kids and grand baby need me to get out of this pitiful place and back into victorious mode; they’re my legacy. I have a nephew that needs me to read to him and sing to him. I have siblings that need me to get and stay out of my own way. And so, the marathon continues. My fight to endure through whatever God gives me must go on. And I will not let sorry cut it anymore.