Ladies! I am back with part two of the “Why are you single?”series. But, before I get into part two I want to reflect on part one. I talked about a woman’s ego having no place in a relationship because it leads to confrontation and conflict. I shared why women should practice more cooperation, rather than speaking on everything. What do you think? Would you agree or not? I have talked to several women that disagree, but far more women agree with me, and most of these women are married.
So, in part two I want to talk about baggage. Have you heard that song by the fabulously talented Erykah Badu, “Bag Lady”? It talks all about a woman’s baggage and how it can make your life worse. I want to talk about the different types of baggage that we women can sometimes bring into a relationship that may be keeping us from getting married.
- Past relationships: you may have heard it mentioned before how some people make their new partner pay for the mistakes and bad treatment of their old partner. This is true, especially when you don’t seek therapy after a bad relationship. Sometimes, you just need help to get over heartbreak. You need time, and help. And that is okay! But, what is not okay, is dealing with and treating the person you are with currently, like they have done something to you when they have not, and all because someone else did do something to you. When you take the past into the present you sabotage your future. Go in with an open mind and heart, be optimistic and smart, pay attention, and then make your decision. Base it on current behavior not past.
- Expectations: one of the best ways to set yourself up for disappointment, is to go into a situation with expectations. This does not mean that you shouldn’t have standards that you abide by. This does, however, mean that we should not expect a man to be anything other than who he is. Yes, men can change, comprmise, and grow, but do not expect anything! Hope? Yes. Pray? Yes. Expect? Nope. We should not expect an outcome, rather position and act according to the outcome we want.
- Our mothers/older women in our families and communities: I didn’t grow up having the best relationship with my mother. I do not believe women in this generation or the previous, are being raise to be a wives or raised to understand the value and need of a man. I don’t know about you, but honestly, I do not feel like I was prepared for being a woman positioning herself to be a good wife to a good man. I do not remember any of the older women in my church or community talking to us about what a Godly wife is or what a good mother does. I remember the preaching about it, though. I also believe a lot of women were not raised to be wives, and many women today even shun the idea of preparing and positioning themselves to be wives. This has caused a lot of women to want to be married but not possess the skills to keep a man, and stay in a relationship. Ladies, if you want to be married, surround yourself with women that have been married for ten plus years and talk to them. Ask them questions about their marriages’ ups and downs, their compromises and need for cooperation, their needs and wants, a husband’s needs and wants, and the levels to being a loyal and good wife.
- Single sisters/sister wives: many women do not even know that their single friends are keeping them single. If you are in a circle of single women, and especially if the majority of your circle is single but wants to be married, perhaps you need to expand your circle. Perhaps you and your current friends all need to have more open and honest conversations about the common denominator in your failed or ended relationships: yourselves. Perhaps it is time to take a look in the mirror, seek therapy, heal, and change the tactics. Perhaps it is time to change something in order to get a better outcome: the one you want! Marriage. Take a look around you and make the necessary changes to position yourself for the outcome you want.
- Trauma and hurt: unless professional therapy lead you to healing and growth, you are only kidding yourself. Trauma does not just go away. We need help. I will say it again: we need help! And that is okay! Numbers 1 through 4 above can most likely be overcome with therapy. Trauma changes the brain. It changes the way we feel and respond emotionally. It changes the way we view the world and it is not worth selling ourselves and our future short, by holding onto it, living in it, and carrying it with us into our present. Heal and let go of that hurt, by getting therapy.
Emotional baggage is a real thing. It is heavy and it is a burden. But, it can be overcome. Your past does not dictate your present or future, unless you choose to let it. But, trust me, it is definitely a choice.
In the words of Erykah Badu:
“One day, he gon’ say ‘You crowding my space.’
One day, he gon’ say, ‘You crowding my space.’
I say, one day, he gon’ say, ‘You crowding my space.’
So, pack light.”
“Bag lady, you gon’ hurt your back, draggin’ all them bags like that.
I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to,
is you, is you, is YOU!”
Let those bags go, and carry the best version of you with you!
Would you agree with the types of baggage described above? Are you carrying any of them? As always, please leave me some feedback. I want to know if you agree or disagree. If you are married or unmarried. And if you resonate with any of this. Talk to me!